August 2023 Entry

I have to get a job soon. These words have been rotating in my mind for many months, but most especially yesterday, when I sat in front of pages of words borne from another afternoon in which I nurtured the eleventh story of the project I began in May. This project is a book, and I love writing it. I started it almost immediately after I finished writing my novel; I had nosedived too far into the stream of writing for me to put a full stop to it, and I couldn’t stop because I knew refraining from writing would result in the untethering of ideas, and I didn’t want to either, I enjoyed it too much—I still do. Recently I’ve been stuck in a dilemma, a curve in the road that's been bending a little more every month—that is whether or not I will find a lucrative job, whether or not I will sacrifice my creative time and find full-time employment, unaffiliated with my personal projects. This all came about because at the end of 2022 I made the decision to quit my job and dedicate much more of my time to writing. I was so deep into the formation of my novel that I just wanted to keep writing, and way more often; after so long in countless employments, I no longer wanted to spend my time in work-environments that didn’t contribute to the vision I was cultivating. I started a small self-employed dog-sitting enterprise and managed to get by, and although my finances were slowly dwindling, it was a sacrifice I do not regret making. Dog-sitting allowed me to pay my rent and just about scrape a living in London, but it’s gotten to a point where my funds are low and I’m restricted—I can just about pay my expenses and that is all. And still, now, I’m writing every single day. I’ve somehow cultivated this lifestyle in which writing has become my “full-time job” or my “vocation”, however the money I’ve made from writing is incredibly little. I do not at all attribute the worth of art to the money it makes, but I can’t help but acknowledge the disheartening reality of this system that makes it difficult for people to support themselves through their creative work. I wish there was a system that benefited everyone, an arrangement through which everyone could pursue the things they wanted without sacrificing their time, dreams, visions—but unfortunately this isn’t the way things are set up. So I’ve had to make a decision: whether I’ll give up much of this time, write less, and dedicate my time to getting a better-paid job that would support me financially, or keep doing what I’m doing and hold onto the hope that eventually this will become lucrative for me. And so, I've decided that I don’t want to give this up. I want to keep writing. I love writing and I love artistic endeavours and that’s what I want to focus on. I can’t help the need to pay bills, I can't change the fact fruit costs what it does, the fact that it costs the price of a meal to travel out of town and back, but I've decided I will continue to navigate these obstacles, while continuing to do what brings me creative fulfilment. If you’re reading this and happen to resonate with any of my works to the extent that you’d like to support me—maybe you've read my novel and want to help me keep going—then I’d be filled with gratitude if you were to make a kind donation to me, if you can of course. I've wavered with the idea of doing something like this; I can't pretend that a small part of me doesn't feel a twinge of guilt upon asking for support, that I don't subconsciously hold a little of the mentality of “every man for himself”. But I believe in community support, I think that freedom of creation is a wonderful thing, and I believe in funding independent artists. If you donate to me, thank you so so much!